i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
