Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
