I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
