I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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