Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We named our party play list daddy issues
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
