I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize