Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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