Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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