i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
