I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
