omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I would ride that face into the sunset
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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