Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
did i walk over a car last night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
please don't ironically join a cult
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