My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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