I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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