sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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