Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
