I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
