Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
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