I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
what day is it and did you see me today?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
