I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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