fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
