I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Is it penis luge time yet?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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