Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
