How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
