So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
