I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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