Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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