someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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