Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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