Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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