i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
