Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
