she smelled like a LAN party
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
