I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
