the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
