Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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