I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
soo... how was my night?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
