sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize