some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
