There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I skipped work to stalk him.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Randomize
