when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pants are for mortals
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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