Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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