The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
