Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize