i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
