He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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