I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
