Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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