I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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