I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My penis needs a shock collar
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
