do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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