i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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