Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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