I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
