In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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