He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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